Fighting

Apathy is defined as not showing/feeling interest, enthusiasm, or care. I’ll be honest- this feels like my default most days. Like I am existing, but I am just going through motions…waiting. I have a lack of motivation for most things and this isn’t the first time I have experienced this. Within the first 4 months of Wellesley’s pregnancy doctors had told me that Wellesley had died and I was having a miscarriage on three different occasions, that he was showing signs of cystic fibrosis and I needed to be tested, which led to a possible diagnosis of down syndrome, and I needed to be tested. Of course all of the tests were inconclusive and there was nothing more to do but wait for all the unknowns to become known. It was December and I was sitting across from a dear friend and mentor of our family, Andrew Schwartz, and I said something along the lines of “I just don’t care anymore. God is going to do what he is going to do and I am just waiting for everything to happen. I can’t do anything to change anything so why care? I’ll just trust whatever happens to me is his plan…” I can’t remember his exact words but he basically called me out 🙂 An apathetic response to struggle results in isolation, hopelessness, and passivity but when we fight for sanctification and joy it draws us into community with Jesus who renews a steadfast spirit within us and guards our hearts. Friends, I am fighting and praying for a steadfast spirit! 

We have some news! Our agency has scheduled appointments for us to meet with the Group Home in Bogota on September 2 and we will be able to meet and start our life with Milie September 3rd. This is very TENTATIVE. It could get pushed back a week, a month, three months…BUT the Bixler family bought plane tickets for September 1!

You might be asking-Amanda…how did you not lead with this?? Why is there not a whole post dedicated to this exciting news? Well, before Covid, I imagined the moment we booked these plane tickets as a joyous occasion. We had talked about getting a babysitter, going out to eat, celebrating, and planning all of our moments in Colombia. However, under these circumstances that is just not the case. There are so many unknowns. Will we actually be able to fly September 1st? Will we be there 2 weeks or 10? How will I plan for my new job when I have no idea how long I will be gone? How will the kids complete school? What if we get stuck there?  How will we pay for this? Where will we stay? Will we have to quarantine?? It might be tempting to think who cares…you are getting your daughter (at least that is what someone said to me). But see, I am burned out, I am tired, the plans have changed so many times, and there is a grieving process every time it does.  Most days these questions strip me of a lot of excitement BUT I am praying and fighting knowing that I do not have hope in the answers to any of these questions but in the truth that God is sovereign over this and he is building our family. 

Some Praises!

We have had a great family time traveling together,  seeing friends, family, and mentors.

Miliana has received another clean bill of health despite some earlier concerns- She is 7 months today!

The foster family is still as amazing as ever and I can’t imagine a better place for her 🙂

Thank you so much for your continued prayers.